For some, divorce is a common occurrence among friends, but, for many, a friend’s divorce can come as not only a shock, but also uncharted territory. It can be confusing to know what to do or say to a friend when they tell about a pending separation or divorce, especially if you went through your formative years together, were close with both your friend and his or her spouse, and perhaps even spent a lot of time together with both spouses as well as your own significant other as couple-friends. Here are a few tips that can help as you try to support your friend going through a divorce.
Understand That Your Friend May Be Contacting You Much More
When most people get married, they see friends less and less as they spend more time with their spouse, building a home and having a constant companion. Furthermore, their relationships with friends outside the marriage may be on a somewhat more superficial level where their true feelings and emotions are not shared with others outside the marriage, for any number of reasons.
Thus, when a marriage comes to an end, a divorcing spouse can find themselves with a lot of alone time on his or her hands, a lot of pent-up unexpressed feelings they want to share, and a desire to reconnect or connect more deeply with friends. You do not have to change your whole lifestyle to accommodate this, but know that your friend is probably lonely and in need of more friend time than usual, so try and make more time for them.
Listen, But Don’t Egg Them On In Anger
A common pattern for both men and women who have friends going through a divorce is to finally say all the negative things they thought but did not say about their friend’s spouse and/or to egg the friend on in their anger over all the frustrations of the marriage and the divorce process.
This can be okay in small doses, but pouring gasoline on a friend’s anger and resentment in a divorce can quickly go beyond validation and affirmation to just making them feel more miserable, hopeless, and upset, which can lead to self-destructive actions. Simply listening to your friend and offering your friendship is a far more healthy approach in the long run.
Don’t Tell Them “Marriage Is Hard Work”
It is very common for a friend’s divorce to make a person evaluate their own marriage and reflect on the difficulties of marriage. Frequently, divorcing spouses are told by friends some variation of the phrase “marriage is hard work” which may seem like it is an affirmation of the struggles and challenges of marriage. But, to a divorcing person, it sounds more like, “I’m successful at this hard work of marriage thing, while you clearly failed at it.” A good rule of thumb is to ask whether you are focused on your friend’s issues or your own marriage issues when talking with them.
Help Them Develop Friendships, Not Destructive Rebounds
Again, many people let friendships fall by the wayside during a marriage, and find that they do not have as many deep friendships as they need or want at the exact time that friendship is most important to them. When a person is getting divorced, you might think telling them to get out there and have a fling with an anonymous person is a great idea (again: is this suggestion honestly a healthy prescription for them, or a projection of your own fantasies?), but having a bad relationship with a stranger is not usually a great pick-me-up for an emotionally devastated person, and can easily make things much, much worse on many levels. Instead, help and encourage them to rekindle and create new friendships.
Encourage Them to Handle Their Divorce in a Smart, Not Quick, Manner
Many divorcing people just want to end the pain and uncertainty of divorce by getting it over with as quickly as possible and avoiding working with a lawyer. But, while getting the actual divorce order is usually not that difficult, obtaining a divorce that is not fair, just, or beneficial in light of state divorce law does not end the pain, but rather can create far more devastating financial and emotional consequences that can last for years.
Encourage your friend to consult with an experienced divorce attorney in your jurisdiction to make sure his or her rights and interests are being protected.
For any questions on family law in California, contact the Law Office of Kelley C. Finan today to schedule a consultation to discuss your circumstances.